This is my first persuasive writing. Read it and comment on it if in need some more detail.
Chewing gum is so yum.
I think we should have lollies and chewing gum at school.
One reason why we should have lollies and chewing gum at school is because the tamariki will smile when the doing there work.
Another reason why we should have chewing gum and lollies to school is because we will pick up our rubbish if we don't pick our rubbish we will have to do Miss Simeon lines.
The Last reason lollies can make them hyper. Hyper is when you get crazy jumping up and down laughing with your friends and having fun.
Like I said the tamariki like to smile and to be hyper.
In summary, I believe we should bring chewing gum and lollies to school.I think this because the tamariki and smile when they're doing there work and playing.
My nexts steps
To use connectives to add more supporting detail
Check that my sentences make sense
Add emotive language
Add rhetorical questions
Hi HuriLeigh This Is Alice I like your story about chewing gum and it is awsome but there is something wrong with it your story needs to make sence there are a couple of mistakes in there, can you fix them please.
ReplyDeleteFrom Alice🤓😎😄😀
Thank you Alice for the feedback and thank you for the tips
DeleteHi HuriLeigh, I really enjoyed reading your first persuasive writing and I think that it is awesome. To improve I think that you should add in some more supporting information. For example on you first paragraph maybe you could add in why you think that. Other than that I think that this is an amazing persuasive writing for your first time.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up.
From Gerry.
Thank you for the awesome feedback and i'll do that in the next Persuasive writing. Blog you later :)
Delete